Tuesday, April 30, 2013

And that's the truth, truth

Yesterday I made the big jump to....dun dun dun.....Facebook. I hadn't up until this point simply because I wasn't sure if I wanted everyone's judgemental eyes all over me. Vernon told me repeatedly that I should and I guess something yesterday lit a fire under my butt because I did. So judge away people. But at least subscribe to the blog!

For anyone who decided to come back and actually read what I had to say today, welcome back. Yesterday I wrote about how I feel very different with Chandler than I did with Carson. From day one I could not stop staring at him and holding him. That clear bassinet they put in your room for the baby was very lonely during our stay. I am not a fan of those hamster cages...he spent maybe an hour total in there our entire stay. I don't know what it is but I feel so connected to him, like if I'm not near him at all times I'll miss something. Not sure what a newborn can do that I would miss...he's not doing jumping jacks yet by any means.

With Carson the experience was completely different. She was here and I was happy but I didn't feel that same connection. It was as if her birth happened around me and I watched it from a distance. Up until her first year it felt that way. It was happening and I loved her to death but something was off. To this day I cannot figure out what was off. I'm not sure if it's because I was so young when I had her or if it's because I didn't have a lot of babies around me growing up so I didn't know how to respond. No idea. Looking back I have tried to self diagnose what was wrong. Seeing as I was 18 when I had her, I think maybe since I really couldn't process my regular feelings it was hard to process the thought of being a mom. Bare with me, I know this is getting mushy....

I don't feel like I missed out on anything from her being a baby but I just didn't fully embrace it like I am with him. It was more of "oh she sat up, yea that's supposed to happen." This time around I'm not so much worried about his progression as I am with just sitting back and enjoying it. I know that he'll sit up by himself and do all of those great things when he is supposed to, I just want to watch it unfold.

Admitting this to anyone is hard and I hate that I felt that way. If I could go back and have a do over with what I know now it would be different I'm sure of it. All I can do now is enjoy the bond that I have with her from here on out. Chandler's arrival has only made things better. Seeing her get to be a big sister (something she started asking for a while back) makes me so happy. Here's hoping she's just as happy 5 years from now. I'm not worried about it, I'm just kicking back and enjoying the ride.